A Shadow Lurking


All the festivities of the season aren’t able to keep away this melancholy.

It comes and goes.

I’m working on some miniature hot-air balloon ornaments that are turning out really cool so I’ll be sharing those soon.

But not today.

This month is already proving to be more difficult than I expected.  It’s hard to “do Christmas” as usual.

I’m tormented with nagging questions.

Is this Knox’s last Christmas with us?  What memories should I make with him before it’s too late?

A mother who recently lost her daughter to CS started a blog where she writes letters to her daughter in heaven.  She describes my own feelings perfectly when she shares these lines:

“There was never a  feeling of just relax and take in this beautiful moment…Instead always, ‘take this in because she’s going to die’ Always that CS shadow lurking.  I tried to shake it, but couldn’t. It wasn’t fair. ”

This is exactly how I feel. I want to enjoy this season. I’m trying to go on as usual, but that “lurking shadow” is never far away.

Today has been a difficult day. Tomorrow will be better.

Thanks for visiting~


  1. I can’t begin to know the pain and anguish you go through every second of the day Scarlett – until I go through something like you are going through, I will never know how it feels or what you feel emotionally trying to come to grips with this. All I can say right now is that you are in my prayers. Knox is in my prayers. Your family is in my prayers. I am so sorry my friend. I am so sorry. Big Hugs from me, I’ll be thinking of you ~ xo

  2. Oh, Scarlett – your sketches are coming alive, developing such depth. I wish it weren’t at such a cost. And you will probably never know how many lives your experiences have touched and shaped. Just as that mother’s blog helped you to put words to your feelings, your sketches will help another with hers. I am so blessed to have you as a friend! Praying always –

  3. Your sketches are beautiful, but also haunting. I can only share what I know. I have been dealing with a chronic illness for years. It has altered my view of the promise of tomorrow. Try to make beautiful memories every day and log them in a journal, in photos, sketches and your writing. Cherish the simple, ordinary and profound, they all are facets of your connections with Knox. Together these memories touch like the arc of a rainbow in heaven’s sky.
    Sending hope n’ prayers to you n’ yours!!!
    I love how you altered you and the sketch, stunning~

  4. My Dear Scarlett, I cannot begin to imagine those feelings, but I hope in blogging and hearing and sharing with others it gives you comfort. I often think of you and your precious family even if I don’t get a chance to stop by your blog! Thinking of you always xoxo

  5. I think of your Mom’s strength in dealing with all she had to deal with and I know she passed that strength down to you. There is no sense in any of this, it is just the way it is. You are handling it with grace and dignity and enriching us with your art. Knox’s Christmas experience must be joyous, make it so!

  6. Hi Scarlett – Knox will be happy if you’re happy and will continue to do so – here or there .. he’ll love your creations – be they art, craft, or Christmas decorations and goodies … be happy you have him, enrich your life with his presence, as those will be the times you won’t regret .. with many thoughts – don’t stress, do what you can – but no more … you need to be peaceful too .. blessings to all your family – Hilary

  7. Scarlett, I wish I had the words but I don’t. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel but I’m certain it is a bit of a roller coaster. One day pain and anguish over the future and the next peace and joy over the blessings of another good day with Knox. Just know that none of us know if we will be here tomorrow. We make the foolish assumption we are and take life for granted. We waste days working too much and focusing on material things instead of our family and friends. I know you realize there is not a forever to your story and you are making the best of each day filling it with love and meaningful memories. That is all Knox really needs. You are doing a great job. Stay strong. Hugs.

  8. Each time you share even a bit of your pain with us my heart breaks a little along with you, it is a brave act to share it with us. My days are better for seeing your strength come through your art and words. I just know that little Knox is exactly where he needs to be – with you. Hugs,

  9. Hi Dear. I came here to tell you one thing, and now I just want to tell you and your family are in my heart. I can imagine that this month is very hard. I would be thinking the same thing. You are extraordinarily loving and that shows through in everything you do. Knox nows this.

    I came to tell you I linked your celery post to my blog, as I did potato stamping today.

    All my love. Daniele.

  10. Melanie Keel

    Your always on my mind! I wish there were words that could express how heart sick I am for you and our little Knox. You are an amazing woman and all your children will be the richer for that! I know no one can take that pain and anguish away or make it any less, just know you are so loved and respected in our family! We all could not be prouder of you and all wish we could take this path you have to be on and make it a little lighter. But unfortunately we can’t just know we are always there for you and please call me anytime you want, I am a very good listener and have a strong shoulder to lean on! I love you very much, Aunt Melly…( I love that you call me that still )!!! Hugs and Kisses to all!

  11. Scarlett, I am so moved by your post. I think about you all the time and wish for you so much love and peace. You are a beautiful spirit and Mama – and Knox has to feel the enormity of your heart! I am sending you big hugs, xoxoxo

  12. Dear Scarlett,
    I have no profound words of wisdom for you, I wish that I did. My heart goes out to you and your entire family, and I am praying that today is a better day and that you have a beautiful Christmas with only the best of memories.
    Your words as well as your artwork are so touching.
    love and prayer,

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