Happy Birthday to my little son in Paradise. Knox would be 4 years old today.
I think the hardest part is not being able to say “I love you”; not being able to hold him.
He’s been gone 5 and a half months. I miss him terribly.
Giving gifts of love, in honor of Knox’s birthday, was the only way I could think of to say “I love you”.
First, I went to the store and picked out what I would’ve bought him if he was here. I associate baby turtles with Knoxy because of a painting I made for him that hung above his crib.
I’m sending these clothes to a precious little boy with severe CS here in the USA, and another identical set to a little boy with CS in England. I love you, Knox.
Then I painted a bright turtle for a little girl with CS, also here in America. I’ll include the process photos and finished piece in the next post. I hope she likes it!
Next, I made a new set of cards and listed them in Knox’s Etsy shop. I’ll continue to make and sell butterfly cards and other original art pieces online to support Amy and Friends CS Support in the UK. Please visit the shop and pass on the link. All proceeds are donated. I made a donation last week of $150 from card sales. Thank you to everyone who buys the butterfly cards!
I donated the recent proceeds from Knox’s shop to CS research through Amy and Friend’s “JustGiving” site. If you’d like to make a donation in honor of Knox’s 4th Birthday, please leave a note in the message box so I can thank you. <3
Finally, I made a donation of books to Dell Children’s Hospital. Knox loved books! It’s so nice to have good books to borrow while you’re in the hospital. I wish I was in the hospital reading a book to Knox now.
I have been given four gifts, as well. I received this gorgeous bracelet from another CS mom right here in Texas. I absolutely love it!
A young artist friend of mine presented me with an amazing graphite drawing of Knox. I loved it so much I posted it on my FB page. I know how difficult portraits are and how much time it takes to make an accurate likeness. Thank you so much Miss E. J.! See her wonderful drawing of Knox here. What a special gift!
Third, a friend sent me a poem he wrote about Knox. The day it was sent to me, I had been asking the very same question presented in the title:
How Has the World Not Stopped? (2/11/14)
But I now know
escapes a black hole.
That gravity pulls,
slowly at first,
then faster and faster
until the frail shell protecting us
and we are crushed.
Within the heart
of this heaviness
time ceases to exist.
The normal flow of life
is torn on the tiniest snag of circumstance
into spirals of endless repeating memories.
Eventually we’ll be spit out
into an alternate universe,
that expects us to live
as if you no longer exist
and only pities us
when we cling
to the warmth
of your presence.
The strangest part
that for those whose path arcs
from your massive absence,
for a sense of relief
(c) 2014 Elwood Fischer
Thank you for this gift, Elwood. The words are meaningful and I’m blessed.
And the fourth gift was a video. Knox’s grandmother sent me a video she found on her iPhone of Knox’s first few moments of life. I was struck to the heart with sorrow to see Knox as a newborn again and to hear his cry. I remember thinking how beautiful he was, and at the same time, there was a feeling of incongruity in the room that I remember, as well. It didn’t feel like there was anything specifically wrong with Knox in that moment, but something suddenly seemed wrong with life itself. I still don’t understand it. The video is hard to watch but it’s a gift I wouldn’t trade.
Happy Birthday my sweet angel ~ I hope you and your Great-Grandmother are enjoying your shared birthday together today and having a wonderful time.
Knox, we love you!