Several trips to the pediatrician’s office have sent me spiraling.
So many bad memories in that office.
To make matters worse, I also have guilt.
In anger I’ve lashed out at some of the nurses. I’m sorry.”No! I said I’m not going to undress him.It’s cold in here and I already told you he hasn’t gained any weight!”
I sit with Knox in the waiting room.
Other parents stare at him.
Big healthy babies are squirming in their mother’s laps.
Knox lays in my arms peacefully. He has infections in both ears but he doesn’t cry.
The nurse (one that doesn’t know us, thankfully) takes us back. The doc comes in and I know what she’s thinking.
“There’s nothing I can do for this baby, but I’ll take a look anyway.”
***
Some days it’s like metal wires are being twisted through my heart. My son is slowly dying and my heart hurts with real physical pain.
As my tag line reads, “Art is Medicine”, so this is how I cope.
Hope to have a happier post up soon.
Dear Scarlet..!!
My heart goes out to you and I prayed that our DEAR LORD JESUS WOULD TOUCH YOUR DEAR CHILD WITH HIS HEALING TOUCH AND COMFORT YOU AND YOUR DEAR FAMILY..much Love and Prayers and Blessings..Stormy Redman
My heart goes out to you and your family. It may not be much of a help just now but I’m sure there are a thousand arms reaching out to hold you up during this difficult time; even the arms of those who, like me, don’t know you. I hope the thought is of some help or at least some consolation to you.
That has got to be so painful and difficult to go through. You all have my prayers.
I am always thinking about you and your family. Knox doesn’t know the pain and joy he causes. He just is. He doesn’t know you look at him with goodbye in your eyes. He just sees his Mom who loves him. You do the best you can, Scarlett. This is a part of your world you just can’t control. It is all right to hurt and grieve, just remember to find the joy that is little Knox. Sweetest child in the Universe! Love you always, Floy
My dear Scarlett, you are doing exactly the right thing by expressing your pain through your art. I would also encourage you to write out your thoughts with pen on paper. This kind of journaling will help you process what your going through. As always, my prayers are with your, Knox, and your entire family. xoxo, dd
Scarlett you need to let it all out. Keep writing and keep creating. I am so sorry that you have to know this pain, this heartache this helplessness but I also know you know how to find the joy in a single moment and treasure it. That is why God gave you Knox. Take things one moment at a time like I know you can. We are all lifting you up in prayer and asking Him to give you strength and courage and to give Knox peaceful days full of love from his family. ((Hugs))
My heart feels like those hearts you have created just reading about your pain and angst. I cant imagine what you must be going through. I am so glad you have this beautiful blog to share, hands and a heart that can create. I am praying that you have a community of friends and family that can actually listen to the words, physically hold you. Community is so important. He is beautiful and I know he is a treasured gift. Savor the moments. prayers…….
I’m so sorry my friend .. I am so sorry that you are in such pain, turmoil, agony.. We are here for you. As the other beautiful ladies commented, we lift you up in prayer. We lift Knox up in prayer and will continue to pray for him. Scarlett you are never alone. I pray that God gives you strength and peace.
Just know I am here for you, if that offers any form of comfort. I’m only an hour away from Cedar Park – you let me know if you need me.
Wrapping you in hugs, xoxo
Oh Scarlett I am so sorry you are in such pain…I just can’t imagine what you must be going through …Knox is such an adorable little man…:( as a Mother my heart goes out to you…especially when we cannot fix the pain & suffering our babies go through but what you are feeling is a million times worse…
I will definitely keep you, Knox and your entire family in my thoughts and prayers…:( Keep creating and releasing your pain through your art…I believe it is very therapeutic for you and thank you for sharing it with us…
((((HUGS))))) Linda
My beloved pediatrician from years ago told me that the best mothers in his practice were the ones with red flags on their charts. Nurses have a job to do; Mothers have a mission from God Himself. You are doing well – the tapestry of your life has some very unexpected, rough threads, but the overall piece is so breathtakingly beautiful. We continue to hold your entire family up in prayer. We love you all!
What a beautiful post and sentiment Brenda. I ditto your thoughts.
Scarlett you do have a special mission from God Himself to love, comfort, care and advocate for this special soul. It’s a hard heart wrenching journey that few of us mothers will really know like you do but never the less we stand with you feeing your pain, your ache, your weariness and your love.
We understand your need to express yourself and you do so beautifully and creatively. We stand with you praying for you, praying for your son Knox, your other children , your husband. We do not understand the why’s of Gods plans but we stand with you trusting that He is working in you and in all the situations you encounter and endure and in all the lives you and your son Knox and your family touch as you so bravely step forward into each new day.
I hope that sharing your pain here helps even a little bit. I am sure you don’t feel brave but that is what I see. A mother brave enough to share a pain that we all fear, may have come close to and still can’t imagine. I am also sure that many of us send our thoughts to you each and every day, good or bad.
Scarlett,
My heart hurts for you and your family, your precious boy! I don’t understand the why, but I think it is important to share, the good, bad and ugly. We have to work through our feelings. I am so sad, your son is hurting. You have ever right to fight and be the kind of Mother you are! Did they give him anything? I hope n’ pray he isn’t in pain. Write, paint, do whatever you must to help yourself cope! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!
I’ve started this message 3 times and erased it. Words seem so empty. Just know my sweet friend that I love you dearly. My heart hurts with you and my tears are immeasurable. I’m angry that I can’t do a single thing to help. All I can do is love you and that I do fiercely.
I can’t wait to see you again .
Dear Scarlett,
I know there are no words that can give you the comfort that you need. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep doing your art it will help heal your heart. I’m so sorry you are suffering.
Dear Scarlett,
oh sweetie. I am so hurting for you, and I want to reach right through my screen and hold you. I wish there were some way I could help you. Your art, and these photos, very clearly show your pain.
So much love coming to you from me.
Oh Scarlett,
I am so sorry that you are suffering. I want to take it away from you and Knox and yet I just sit here without a thing to say. Please know that I think of you all the time and send you and your family love and peace. You are an inspiration as a woman and as a Mother and I just adore you.
xoxoxoxo
Scarlett, oh my..I have no words. I think of you so often, look at your house, hope all is well over there. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had better words right now. Know we are lifting you all up in prayer.
I am sending my prayers to you and Knox. Bless you both.
My heart hurts with you. You and your family are in our prayers.
God knows and trusts you with this path He has laid for you and your dear ones. Trusting Him in the pain is the most difficult part, but know He has
the plan and sees the end! Praying for you and your precious boy! <3
Honey, I wish I could take from you this pain! I know you are strong, and wounder how much a person can take. I love ya, like one of mine. Please remember you have something very special, and I pray to God to help our little man , you and your whole family to enjoy the minutes, hours and days with each other. God Bless your family.
Dear Loving Scarlet,
When I saw your email and the heading I became afraid to open it.
I am so thankful you have Knox to love. He may not be with you as long as you wish but the time you share and the love he allows you to give and show him is golden.
Heartache and joy run so closely together. Embrace the joy of holding and caring for Knox as long you can. Sadly, there will be time for heartache but we much remember God’s love heals our heartache because he loves us so.
In your pain, never think of this as something God has done or that you have done something. This is nature. As beautiful as nature is it can destroy in a heartbeat. God is love and restores.
Knox, you and the rest of your family are in my prayers. I am sending my Guardian Angel to help yours in this terrible time.
Praying for everyone with love extended,
Karen
Scarlett, I am so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers; remember God wastes nothing, not one tear is lost. with love, sue
Dear Scarlett,
I have been sitting here – for I don’t know how long – just staring at the screen…not quite able to find the right words. You have such strength, such bravery, and such beauty to travel along this journey with sweet Knox. I am praying for you both my beautiful friend. May your art bring you a bit of peace and healing. xoxo, Jen
Love and thanks to each one who left a comment of warmth and care on this post for me…I’ve read them all, several times. xoxo Scarlett
LOVE YOU!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo zanne
Scarlett, Scarlett – this was a while ago .. sorry I’ve been busy and am now catching up a little ..
Oh dear … I do hope the little soul has improved even a tiny bit, and as long as he’s not in pain .. a brief respite – but not the news you wish for … I can’t describe the effect your post has had on me … I certainly feel as though the Inquisition is interrogating you …
I will be thinking of you now – it’s 15th Feb .. and will be sending cloudfuls of love across the ocean … and pray that you receive blessings from on high too … for now I’m sending the first scents of spring … a spray of snowdrops, creamy daffodils and some greenery …
With love and hugs and thoughts – Hilary