It’s been one week since I buried my son.
I’m trying to adjust to life without Knox and trying to make sense of the last 3 weeks.
At this point, I feel as if I don’t care about anything. It’s understandable, I think.
If I live, fine. If I die, I’ll see Knox sooner. Whatever. The happy and sad blur together. I look at photos and cry; I watch videos and cry even more. I take my kids to school and return to a silent empty house full of reminders that my little boy is gone.
I wave to the new neighbor across the street. She doesn’t even know.
He died.
The pain travels from my heart outwards and extends to the tips of my fingers. I ache to hold him. I take some Ibuprofen because the aching in my arms is real, actual pain. I text Knox’s nurse. I need her to recount the last week for me.
Again.
Thoroughly, she goes over the details with me so my mind can rest for a moment from all the “if onlys” and the “what ifs”. She reminds me that going to the hospital would not have changed the outcome.
I have to hear it again. I have to be reminded: “You couldn’t beat the syndrome. You knew you never could”.
I am so very, very sorry for your loss. No words can ease your pain but I will be praying for you. Much Love goes out to you…..
Scarlett-
My heart aches for all of our families, but especially yours and now sweet Daniel’s as he has gone to heaven this morning too. I appreciate you sharing your raw feelings with those of us on the same journey as your family’s. xxx
Oh baby, I know how you feel, but it does get better with time. Remember that you have your other children still to love and they need the attention you gave to Knox. They are dealing with their own grief. I know it feels like you have nothing left to give, but you will find the strength inside you to go on. You have to find a moment of joy wherever you can, however brief, and it will remind you that life is good and you have many more years of love to share. Don’t give up. You can’t see a direction right now, but it will appear in time. In the present, hold on to those still here. You owe them that.
Dear Scarlett, my heart aches for you and wish I could do something. I know there are no words. So I send you my love and friendship there to use as and when you wish. xxxx
Oh Scarlett…I am so sorry …I cannot imagine the pain….Know that everyone is keeping you in their thoughts & prayers….The pain will ease tho you will never forget… Focus on your other kids, I know they will need you now more than ever…..Don’t give up Hon … ((((HUGS))))))
I am so so so very sorry for your emptiness.
I cannot fathom your pain. I just left my 19 year old son at his base before he will be deployed overseas and was feeling sorry for myself when I came across your blog.
I am switching my prayers to ease you pain.
Oh but Scarlett, You and your family gave Knox such a beautiful and meaningful life! He could not have been loved any more than you loved him and that is such a gift, despite any diagnosis he had. Praying for you often.
Your words stir the feelings I have learned to live with the questions I asked repeatedly for so long and sometimes still do. In a few short weeks it will be 5 years I’ve walked through life without my son, I wish I could tell you the pain goes away but there is something more amazing that happens in time. I have learned to live with a broken heart, laugh, sing, dance and play I can do it even when I feel the weight of my heart. I feel God more than I have ever felt him before, pulled closer to heaven I can see things I have never noticed and although my heart is heavier the weight on my shoulders from the concern of living as long as I can on earth no longer exist, I am free from the fear of death. I find peace when I let myself feel everything. I stand in amazement at the incredible places my journey has taken me, the places you don’t find on a map because you can only get there when you travel within. There is so much to learn as we maneuver around the awkward moments, people we will meet who will not know of our broken hearts, answering the questions of those who do and making the decision when to share our heart or shield it from further pain. Its a journey and as sad as it is to continue on without our child there is a peace in knowing how short this time on earth really is and how each day that passes brings us closer to heaven and our angel <3 I will pray for your peace <3
Scarlett, My heart hurts for you , Brandon, Madelaine, Sveva and Jack. Just seeing your sweet faces and know that your pain will last forever is heartbreaking,it will lessen but will be there. I love all of you so much and I know I can’t do anything about it. I know how you feel when someone asks “How are You” I am not fine is my want to answer but somehow it does not come out that way. Just rest assure you were the chosen mom for Knox and the very best one there ever could have been. I loved so much to see his face light up when he heard your voice or came near, as he would reach his little hands out to go to you whenever. xxoo Now that made me light up:)
I’m so thankful you can share your heart
here. Thank God for Beth who can walk you
through the decisions made the last few weeks.
There was no way to prepare for these days
and I wish I could make them better. All I
can do is love you and try to endure them with you.
I have plans for you when you’re ready. We are going to make new
happy memories together while we remember
every day of life with sweet Knox.
I cannot imagine the pain you are going through every second. There is nothing that will ever compare to this loss. Nothing any of your readers say to you will remotely make a difference – the words are there, written… the prayers- yes. But I am a mom too, and I cannot understand or imagine what you have to bear. It’s too much. How can you bear the unbearable? I hope you make it through. I wouldn’t want to live if my child was gone – but I have 2 other children, so I would have to try. Is that a thought of yours? You have to try to make it for the other children. You have to function. Go through the motions, even though your heart has broken. You must feel as if you’ve been sucked into a black hole. A void. A pain that doesn’t lessen – it gets worse. I am so sorry for you. I really and truly hope you survive this Scarlett. I know you don’t want words that are candy coated right now – life is unbearable for you – and yet, you still have to wake up in the morning. I don’t care what anyone says – until they lose a child, it makes no sense to say the pain will ease…How is that possible? No one knows how you feel. Just know my thoughts are with you.
Scarlett, you are experiencing the worst thing that could ever happen to a human being– the loss of a child. I could give you some random “He’s not suffering anymore”, ” Time will heal all wounds”, but the truth is that you lost your child to a disease beyond your control and you are hurting, mad, confused, angry, furious, broken….and the brain can’t handle such a load so it shuts off. Numb. Get yourself to a psychiatrist or doctor now, and explain what has happened, and they cn give you something to temporarily allow your brain to rest. If the doc won’t do it, I will send you some Valium. I am not saying drown yourself in drugs….but they will ease the ache in your arms , even if only for a little while. Surround yourself with your closest friends and family. Let them take care of you. No parent should outlive their child, and I can not even begin to fathom your broken heart. But please remember one thing, dear sweet friend– this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Never for a moment think that this is/was your or Brandon’s fault because of some wierd genetic anomaly. Knox was loved, Knox was and is happy, and Knox is in the arms of the Lord– who will hold him gently and tenderly for you until your time comes and he can be returned to your arms again. If you need me, even if it is only just to sit in the house with you and listen to you–or even just to sit and let you lean on me– let me know and I will be there as fast as my lil mustang can drive. I love you, sweet Scarlett.
Your pain is raw and you need to know you aren’t alone! You should talk with people who have gone down this path and know the emptiness of your heart/your arms. Words can’t even touch your pain. Do whatever you need to do to deal with your grief. Knox lives on in you, your husband, your family, embrace them! You need to be there for them-Knox would want you to! When time allows or the waves of grief pound your thoughts deal with them. Cry, scream and grieve! Embrace your treasured memories and laugh, too. The dance of grieving allows all emotions to surface-go with your thoughts! Your parents are tending your precious boy until you see him again-find comfort in knowing he is with them. (((hugs)))
My heart is with you as you embrace the pain, feel the raw feelings, and generously share them. To be ale to grieve and cry is a gift. I know.
I look at the little butterflies you made which have made me smile every day and now I think of your Knox. My heart breaks for you. Someday you’ll be able to smile when you think about him leaving behind his cumbersome body to fly like those butterflies.
I am so sorry, praying for your family!
Hundreds of people are reading your words on the blog and Facebook and most never respond. It is difficult to know what to say even though we support and love so much.
Please know that there are an army of folks out there that silently sit beside you. We think and pray and cry with you.
I’ve been so thankful to read the comments from the other CS moms to you – those who have walked this path and know exactly what you are experiencing. I read understanding and hope in their words. I don’t have the experience to put into words, but know that I am praying for all of you everyday. We love y’all!
I love you my friend and totally understand what you are feeling! Know you are not alone as many others are on this side of our CS journey. The world goes on all the while you want to shout for it to stop because you have lost your child. Every day will be a challenge from here on. Just find the people who truly understand and can listen. You are not alone and everything you feel reminds me of myself just after I lost Grace. Love you friend and I promise you will survive! NOTHING will ever be the same but life will continue❤
My dear, dear Scarlett! Please know that I love you and your family. I am crying with you and so are the angels that are encamped around you. You are loved unconditionally by me and by God which means that you can be who you need to be right here….right now. The stages of grief will subside over time. In the meantime, you have many friends and family who are a phone call away. Don’t ever hesitate to call or cry out when needed. I’ll be there.
I am a stranger to u but I cried hearing your little boy died , I too care
God bless you and your family,I hope you find the strength to be there for each other…
No words I can say……….. God bless you , your family and baby Knox. Keep expressing your feelings. As a mother my heart breaks for you!
Love you, know what you are feeling I was there. Just take it a day at a time, remember your sweet children and husband all need you. Take time for you to laugh an cry for Knox. One day at a time, just one day at a time! Love you, I pray for you and your family everyday. Life is hard, but time will heal the wound you have (not completely it will never go away) This pain will heal over for a while and then something a picture, song or someone walking down the street–this will open up this wound all over again and a time to cry again and remember again and love again.
Dear Scarlett -I wish I could help in some way, the emptiness you must be feeling from losing the warmth of Knox and his small, gentle movements and the little noises he made which were so joyous. Try to remember them all with joy, try to sense him being in your arms and the warmth of him there and snuggling into his face and kissing him as you always did and chatting away to him and laughing with him, let yourself grieve gently.
You mustn’t punish yourself by questioning the ‘what ifs’, little Knox will be watching over you and will not want you to suffer too much pain from his loss. The love you and your family had for Knox dear Scarlett will always stay strong in your hearts which will help you through this long tunnel.
I send my caring thoughts to you every day and hope they will help you through your pain.
Marg xx
Scarlett,
I wish I could fastforward the pain that you feel right now, but it is real and there is a reason you feel it. It is necessary. So many things in our lives are necessary, I have come to learn. Grief. Pain. That awkwardness you are going to feel when someone asks you about Knox. Not for you, but the awkwardness you feel for the person asking because you know that they will walk away in shame from asking about you son who is no longer living. I struggle to this day with how to make things easier for others. I lie. People ask me how many children I have. If I know I will never see them again, I say three. Because I have three children. Just because one of them is in Heaven doesn’t mean that he isn’t real. It’s necessary for me to say that. To be true to him. But then sometimes, because I can’t stand to see the pain or embarrassment on someone’s face when I have to explain that Alex is dead, I lie. I say two. Then I hate myself for doing that later. The hate I feel for discounting Alex is necessary. To remind me not to do it again. I am going to tell you things that are necessary. You feel numb, you are afraid of forgetting him-his sound, his scent, his hair. You won’t forget him. I still catch a whiff of my boy when I least expect it. It catches me off guard and drops me to my knees in pain. Yes. 7 years later, I can still be dropped to my knees. Your posts bring on pain for me, but its necessary that I read them and its necessary that I respond and relive my own pain.
We’ve never met, Scarlett…but I feel I must tell you these necessary things. Someone is telling me to reach out to you. I’m not sure why. But I feel it is very necessary.
Take care of yourself…let others help you with your mindless tasks and chores.
Sending loving prayers and thoughts to you and your family.
Scarlett, I cannot imagine what you are experiencing or will be experiencing with your loss. I know that your family has been immeasurably blessed with Knox’s life. Somehow, through the pain we must believe, through faith, in God’s goodness even though we can’t feel any goodness. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.
Love…I have no words. Prayers and Healing Energy for you and your family my dear one.
Hugs to you Scarlett, sending you strength and love in this incredibly difficult time. Grieving will take a long time, I do believe there are stage and cycles and waves that come with grief, just be as patient as you can with yourself, take each day, hour, minute at a time, be kind to yourself, and in time I hope your heart may heal a little.
Love and hugs and strength in prayer to you, always! <3
Dear Scarlett and family .. beautifully expressed .. we will never understand, yet we do in some small ways; I’m so glad the CS family is there for you, and your nurse sounds so caring … May you all come to peace with the inevitable: “You couldn’t beat the syndrome. You knew you never could”. Knox was so much loved … with big hugs and thoughts – Hilary
I have followed your family’s journey and I am so very very sorry. Many prayers and love to you and yours – Beth
My heart aches for you and your family.
Scarlett, I found your blog through Donna Downwy. I don’t know you, but I just want you to know that I am so sorry about your son, Knox. I don’t know you pain, can’t even imagine it and I won’t even pretend to understand it. All I know is that my heart broke for you and your family when I read your post. When I saw pictures of him, it made me smile. I wondered if he was as sweet and as mischievous as is little face shone. I smiled to think of the joy he brought you and your family. When I pray I will send up prayers for all of you.
Only found out your sad news today, so sorry for your loss. Sending thoughts across the miles and hope you and your family can find some comfort. Thinking of you.
When you look up to the night sky
Know that in your heart he is still here
Or when the summer winds blow
Remember he will always be near…
Scarlett, I’m so, so sorry to hear about Knox. I just came to catch up on your posts and realized what had happened. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.